Why aren't you using the Wood Seal?
by shiroratsukari
Summary: How had a Bookman apprentice forgotten about something as important as one of his own innocence's seals? What if he had a reason other than forgetfulness for not using it? Written in Lavi's POV. Oneshot set during the ship portion of the Edo arc.


Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and D. Gray-man belongs to Hoshino Katsura. Excerpts have been borrowed from the manga and those excerpts are _written in italics and "quotes"_. All excerpts belong to the respective translators for the D. Gray-man English manga translations.

Author's note: This takes place during the time where Lavi, Bookman, Krory, Miranda and Lenalee are on the Anita's ship going to Japan and Lenalee is off fighting Eishi while Lavi, Bookman, Krory and Miranda defend the ship. I hope the layout of the fic isn't too confusing since it does go back and forth between present and past~. This is written in Lavi's POV.

**Why aren't you using the Wood Seal?**

I'm gonna die.

That was my first and foremost thought as I screamed in pain from being shot with the akuma's bullet and plunged into the sea. Gramps is gonna be pissed was my second.

Though I assume most people plummeting to their death by a random akuma bullet would feel scared or robbed I felt like this was some sort of divine punishment for what I had done…or more accurately for what I hadn't done.

"_Don't be taken in by the war. You are the successor of Bookman, and nothing else. Haven't I taught you to be nothing more than an onlooker regardless of the situation?"_

Yeah. And I'd listened. If I hadn't then things would've turned out much different from what it was now. For starters, most of the crew would be alive.

"_We're not their allies. We are only on the organization's side by chance. We're only involved in order to record history. A Bookman has no need for a heart."_

Yeah. And I'd killed that heart the best I could to do what I was asked. So now I'm being punished for it. It's only fair.

"_Re…return to the…ship…it's not just him…above…in the clouds…there are many more…"_

That statement was what had started it all.

"More above the clouds? Then I'll take care of them here and now!"

"Li…listen, Lavi…we are Bookmen. We…do not…interfere with the happenings…of this war. If left…to their own devices…what do you think…would occur?"

I looked at gramps as I pieced together what he was saying. Lenalee was gone. No one could reach the clouds except me, but I was and still am a Bookman. If gramps and I weren't present this ship would most likely be destroyed. All in all, it meant that should I do anything I would be changing the course of the history we were sent to record.

"You are not…to help them. Fight, but don't…help them. Those on this ship are meant to die."

I bit down on my tongue before I said anything that couldn't be taken back. My heart hammered in my chest as I realized what it was that we would be doing to these people who had so kindly volunteered to undergo such a dangerous journey for our sake. My heartbeat echoed my thoughts.

Traitor.

Traitortraitor.

Traitor.

Traitortraitor.

Traitor.

Traitortraitor.

My heart was pounding.

Oh, but wait, I shou-I mean, didn't have one. So it was all good. I can't betray something that I never had. A Bookman has no allies, so I didn't betray them either. Not the crew, Anita and Mahoja, who had risked life and death for us, not Krory and Miranda, who were doing their best to defend the ship and not Lenalee, who needed a place to return to from her battle.

Thump.

Thumpthump.

Thump.

Thumpthump.

So loud. Why couldn't it leave me alone to die in peace?

Splash.

Thunk.

Gasp.

Cough.

Coughcough.

Ugh. Huh? I looked around. I was on the ship.

"_Didn't I just get shot…?"_

"_Phew! You're alive."_

I looked up in disbelief as I saw a smirking Krory.

"_WHAT?"_

Then I looked down to see two bleeding pin prick wounds on my neck. You've gotta be kidding me…he didn't just…did he?!

"_Looks like I managed to suck out the poison before it spread all over your body. Thanks for the meal. Oh and I think I drank some of your blood too by accident. Kukukukukukuku."_

My dismay and shock were suddenly cut short by the voice of a very angry and very ticked off panda.

"_YOU RETARDS! HOW LONG DO YOU PLAN ON SITTING THERE?!"_

I knew he'd be pissed.

"_GET YOUR BUTTS IN GEAR AND FIGHT! YOU SLACKERS!"_

But I wasn't really listening, all this shouting was likely just for show or a way for him to disguise how much I had worried him from my near death experience. More importantly though I was still sulking over being bitten…at least until he said those next words.

"_Why aren't you using the Wood Seal, Lavi?!"_

Huh? Did he just…he did! I hesitated for a second, shocked. What about preserving history? About the original fate of this voyage? If I used that now…we'd win for sure. I stole a quick glance up at the ball of black needles. Gramps' face wasn't visible but from the 12 years I'd spent with him I knew there was a hidden meaning to those words.

'I don't want you to die here. Destroy those akuma now.'

Or maybe it should've been 'if we die here this history dies with us.'. Regardless of whichever one the Panda really thought, I was glad that he changed his mind.

Thump.

Thumpthump.

It was beating with excitement now. A strong sense of duty. To explain why I hadn't used the Wood Seal earlier, I feigned forgetfulness. I even played annoyance as the Panda decided to play along and backed me up by stressing my idiocy.

Within moments, we'd won. Parting the clouds and sending Krory up to stealthily attack the akuma. Without my hammer, none of this would've been possible.

But the victory felt hollow to me. Especially after the events of the battle.

"_Aren't you our friend as well?"_

Miranda had asked me that. No…I'm not…at least I felt I had no right to claim to be. If I were…I wouldn't have allowed all of this to happen.

"_Lavi…am I…still in this world?"_

Pain. In my heart. The one that doesn't exist. If Panda hadn't said those words…what would've become of her? If I hadn't acted…what would've been her fate?

"_Don't bear the burden alone, okay? You are not the only exorcist. We are all in this together. We…are all walking this road with you."_

Lenalee had said that to comfort Miranda, but I felt like I was being stabbed. Those words…don't say them. Please don't say them. I can't take it. I'd apologized to Miranda for not being able to protect her better, but I knew it was a dirty, dirty lie. I didn't even try. I didn't protect them and now…

"_Please win Sir Exorcists! For our sake! Please go on! Keep going! Use our lives to bring a brighter future! Please take care of our comrades that survived…we want them to live! We want our comrades to live…even if for a while…in a peaceful future…please win Sir Exorcists!"_

I closed my eye as they spoke from their hearts. I can't take this. I can't take this. I can't take this. Why didn't I die like they did? It was my fault that this happened in the first place. If I hadn't stayed my hand. If I had acted. If I…if I had followed what my…heart…yes, if I had followed what my heart had told me to do…then they wouldn't have had to die.

"_Gramps…this is too painful…"_

**-End-**

Thanks for reading! Suggestions, comments and critiques are more than welcome!

A look into my head:

For me it seemed a bit weird that a Bookman apprentice would forget about something like his own equipment type's attack (wood seal) so I thought I'd write something to explain it. A few of the scenes also depicted Lavi in a rather…guilty(?) look and his final saying of how it's "too painful" just got me to thinking why he would feel that way as well. This is just my speculation for the events that transpired on the ship as well as a trigger for his fall from being an unbiased, emotionless Bookman to admitting that he does have a heart~. Hope you guys enjoyed it!


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